". . . amid th'encircling gloom"
Today Megan and I will go to the hospital so she can have her second D and C in the last thirteen months following this our fourth miscarriage since last summer. This time we heard a heartbeat on several occasions (the first time since May was pregnant with Adelaide) and we even made it eleven weeks before they think the little chunker stopped growing.
". . . the night is dark and I am far from home"
We are tired. We are confused. But I am following Megan's lead and we are hanging tough. We can't tell if this is a trial or a blessing. If we will have more children or not. If we should or not. Are we being tested in preparation for something? Or are we being spared a worse fate than this? I wish we already had the hindsight that parents have once their family is grown. We don't know which way to turn.
". . . keep thou my feet"
When I used to body board in the grand Pacific I learned a lot of life lessons. When out in the water I can paddle to catch a wave, paddle to avoid one, dive under waves or have the ride of a lifetime by dropping in on one. But if my board is pitched the wrong way, or turned too much against the currents and motions of the water and waves, I will wipe out. And that is how I feel right now. I've done so much paddling and diving under waves. They just keep coming. I've lost the shore and my sense of direction. At this point in life all I can do is say, "Which way should I point the board?"
". . . I do not ask to see the distant scene"
Sometimes I want to paddle just to paddle maybe. I want to see the whole picture and know every where I should go and everything I should do. Its like I don't want anyone's help. But I know we need it now. So don't tell me how far it is to shore and how big the wave is and how many submerged rocks lay below me. Just tell me which way to point the board. Then carry us.
". . . one step enough for me."
(The poem is by John Henry Newman)
We love all of you very much (sorry for the BYU cliche). We already can feel your love and support and if you ask if there is something you can do for us, there is. Turn around and hug your little ones that you have. Then hug them a little tighter. We'll do the same.