Tainted Love

There was a thing called the Mitchell Report.

It found them out. It found over 100 professional baseball players (roughly 25%, and thats the ones that got found, not to mention any others still waiting discovery) and their history with steroids and human growth horomones OR, if you are interested in side effects, men with 25+ pounds of new muscle mass, enlarged skulls , acne, weak bones, and small specials. But we are moving past that.

There was a thing called the Mitchell Report.

It had evidence. Copies of checks. Shipping receipts from disreputable companies. Sworn testimonies from trainers, doctors and players. Even without that, all you would need is a good baseball card collection. Most of these guys looked the same for years. I call it second puberty. Because they get huge! Ricockulously huge. It wasn't the drugs that made them so big though. It was Global Warming. But we are moving past that.

There was a thing called the Mitchell Report.

Then they negotiated. MLB wanted a stricter drug policy.

(WARNING: HERE COMES THE SARCASM AND HEAVY CRITICISM. AND A SWEAR WORD IS ON ITS WAY)

Uh-oh, the enabling parent wants what? Trying to look good to their friends I guess. "See, there are rules," MLB said to his friends. But only if its ok with the kiddies. "Now you kids run to bed while I put the Mitchell Report six feet under and it will all be fine in the morning." Apparently MLB and the Player's Cartel (I mean Union) hope for our weak attention span and short term memory loss. Or maybe its our fed-up disinterest.

But when it came to the stricter drug policy for testing (not for punishments), the Union (I mean Cartel, I mean Union) asked for one thing. Throw out the Mitchell Report.

"Huh?" Said the Mitchell Report

"Hmmm."- Said the Owners

"Uh . . .."-Said the Media, who don't seem to care enough to report this minor stipulation.

"Ok."-Said MLB

"Phooey."-Said Me.

I'm done. You are clipped. Sorry players. You suck. You're pathetic and those who should regulate you are a joke. Would you play monopoly if I told you everyone was cheating? Would you put money in the bank if I told you the bank won't give it back? I hope every cheating last one of you dies from the side effects of the drugs you injected and rubbed into your buddies "unknowingly". (The only other person I wished such a thing upon ended up getting hoisted off the ground and thrown down a pit to his death by Darth Vader) And until you refuse to un-"misremember" I will continue to giggle at the size of your shrinking nuts.

PS:

Who am I kidding? I will still follow you and watch.
You are now my guilty pleasure.
But a gross kind of pleasure that I may need to go to rehab for.
Its like Springer - you make me sick, but what am I going to do?
Follow soccer? (I just threw up in my mouth)
Open up your doors Hall Of Fame. Here come the druggies.
Maybe Pete Rose can speak at the induction ceremonies.

R.I.P. Mitchell Report. Say hi to the Second Amendment for me. Why we ever wrote either one of you is beyond me.